New Beginnings.

Yesterday, I made a hasty decision based on a very pre-conceived desire. I finally walked into my bosses office and uttered the words, “I quit.” I planned on it being a very strong willed action which would result in a two week exit, but in the end left with a month’s notice and in a very emotionally confused state. It is amazing how when you sit there and look at your boss for what you now know to be one of the last times, your mind rewinds and allows you to see all your crushed pre-conceptions of the possibilities this job was to hold. Growing up with an obsession for film, the name Panavision has been a staple of quality and tied with my dreams of working on Hollywood films. It seemed that the one thing all classic films had in common, was the logo at the end of it saying they were filmed with these cameras. So when I moved to Los Angeles I decided I wanted to learn camera, and figured why not start at the top. To my shock and amazement, I was given an interview.

On my first drive up to the building arriving for my interview, goosebumps covered my body as I first glanced the Panavision logo within the hedges at the front of the building. I was about to enter Panavision for the first time, and be interviewed to become part of this staple within film’s history. I could live my dream of becoming part of the entertainment industry, and be at the source of almost every movie made. The goosebumps didn’t stop as I entered the front entrance. As I opened the doors, I was bombarded with beautiful classic film stills and a mural dedicated to Lawrence of Arabia (which sealed Panavision’s cameras and lenses as the standard for the industry). From there, every inch of the expansive building is covered with photos of films being shot with their cameras…I’m talking about hundreds upon hundreds of photos. On this first walk through, as I was being led by my future boss I was lost among the photos and never truly heard the words he was speaking and had no idea where I was within this maze of a building. I looked upon the employees with jealousy and fear that there would be no way I could do what they were doing. I definitely didn’t know enough about camera stuff, which lead me to believe there was no reason I should be given a job. My interview was filled with every possible nervous tick and a continual muttering of disjointed sentences. This interview, with all of its possibilities left me to collapse under the fire of his questioning. I tried to find my way out of the building, and as I stumbled toward the exit I knew that I had failed my chance.

When I got back to my car, I immediately called my friend and screamed about how this job would have been a perfect opportunity for me and how I had blown it. Later that week, my pessimistic feelings were proven through a phone call telling me that I would be thought of in the future. Disappointment struck, as I destroyed my perfect chance and now had no idea what I was to do.

My job search continued for a week when I was surprised by a call by another manager at Panavision in a neighboring department, who I bothered simultaneously with the previous boss for the possibility of an interview. This time around during my second interview, I was less nervous since I had already gone through this same process a week earlier. This boss was the opposite of the last one, and the interview went with ease as she told me of my going into background check immediately as the interview ended. From the moment I now knew that I was to work at the largest camera supplier in the world, success seemed steps away. I knew that time within the company could lead to me becoming a camera assistant and making $30 an hour on major film sets. First though, I would have to make it through Shipping/Receiving…and the first step being a driver.

Driving allowed me the possibility of learning the city very quickly and the opportunity to visit many sets. I could say that driving was quite enjoyable for awhile. I met all the camera crews and saw interesting blockbuster type scenes being filmed, but after awhile you merely feel like a pizza delivery guy. The difference between me and a pizza delivery guy was that my cases weighed usually around fifty pounds each and had to be lifted into a van without a lift gate, and often my van was filled to the brim. As you sit in a car all day long, minimally using the knowledge held within your brain garnered through years of schooling; you begin to wonder how after college you can still hold a job that pays $10 an hour. I stayed a driver for 8 months, as my current boss (the second interview) feuded with the neighboring boss (first interview) about his desires to take over her department and Panavision’s wishes of pushing her out of the company. My boss at this time had been one of the longest running employees of Panavision, and had been running the Shipping/Receiving departments for over 30 years. Over the past two years though, it is clear that Panavision wishes to force her into retirement by taking away all of her power. As this feud was in its glory days, I lingered as a driver watching the neighboring boss hire from outside the company instead of promoting any of us in the opposing department.

After 8 months, I barely knew anything about the equipment, but did get an eventual interview for a promotion into the neighboring department. Once again, I failed an interview with this boss. He decided to look outside of the company and hire someone who was more “qualified,” as this new hire held a mechanical engineer degree. This new hire lasted a day, as he was immediately fired for a very lazy work ethic. I was called up from the bench and given a chance. Now I was to lift more cases, scan equipment, and clean much of the equipment as well. For four months, I rose in knowledge and received respect for my work. The department continually grew to allow $10 an hour workers to take over jobs which had previously received more money, turning three departments into one. My days continually have been comprised of breaking my back lifting cases and using Simple Green and other cleaning chemicals all day long, breathing in wonderful toxins which daily kill what brain cells I have. Often, I sit scrubbing away at dirt on the equipment and think how much easier this work would have been if I would have gotten my mechanical engineer degree.

Throughout these months I have been “promoted” three times, never being able to squeeze a raise out of the company. I now am in charge of a position which once received $12 or $13 an hour and I still sit at $10…but really, the money is just the statistical tool of disappointment. I had realized that being a Camera Assistant was not in my future, I need a job which is more creatively fulfilling. I have been stuck following a back up job while seeing assistant work as a safe existence, although I truly want to try writing and directing. I have spent the year in a factory environment and within a company that has no worries in laying off 20 people a week before Christmas. Everyday at Panavision I am reminded of my disposable nature, knowing that there is another who would walk in the door as a I walk out; with their eyes gleaming with possibilities as mine once had.

Fear has kept me entangled in the web of false comfort. Yes, I have had great health coverage and benefits; which as Americans we hunt down like miners in the Gold Rush, but have been paid a wage which barely allows me to cover my rent of $600 a month. While working to live, I have forgotten how to live. My wage has truly only allowed me to scrape by, as I have budgeted all aspects of my life to the minimal. I have gone multiple weeks eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches daily, enjoying how everyday they had gotten cheaper. After a weekend of actually socializing, I would expect my bank account to be dwindled to the point where hopefully bills could be covered without an overdraft. So where I am now, is that every morning within my journal I have cursed the necessity of going into work from the moment my eyes have opened. I have watched people who love their job and have relied on it for years be laid off, been forced into vacation time, faced continual missed promotions through political hires, and been in a position where using your mind is only optional. I have decided it is time to go.

Yesterday, as I sat in the office and asked for my two weeks and relived this playback, I began to get saddened and afraid. I pumped myself up listening to Rage Against the Machine and wanted to be headstrong in this moment of revolution, but felt myself start to crumble with fear of what those words had actually meant. Quitting admits that you are currently unhappy, and makes you examine your possibilities. Honestly, career wise I don’t know where I will end up. All I know, is I have gone as far as I can with Panavision. I have learned what I needed to, and have faced troubles which have forced me to mature. I am definitely stronger for spending time there and respect the people I have met, but have realized it is not where I am to remain. If the strike continues more layoffs will come, and I have asked to be the first on the chopping block. I have never been fired from a job, and now I hope for it. Either way, I am done with this part of my life…we shall see what comes next.

-B

PS. I am open to job recommendations, and donations (see sidebar on main page…no joke).