Sooner, rather than later.

Today my elimination from Panavision occurred, as my head which I so firmly placed upon the chopping block felt the cold slice of the guillotine’s razor sharp blade. The eventuality of a lay off was obviously not a surprise, as my words had pleaded for the possibility to make it so; though, today the action itself still struck me with a blind sighted collision and tossed me around like an American Gladiator within the “Gladiator Arena.” For today, I began the day as a normal employee who saw glimpses of his possible future through e-mail notifications of job offerings and a renewal of my substitute teaching credential, seeing them solely as mere possibilities to explore further throughout the oncoming month. Now, I see them as signs for what was to come. For in the morning, I thought my day was to be an un-eventful cyclic repetition of days past…that was not to be the case. Within my first hour at work, I was called by my boss to the back area of the building where we are currently involved in an inventory project. I glided towards him ready to lift and clean whatever I was to be instructed upon, but instead he began walking me away from the room.

Within the first moment of connection with my boss’s eyes and his silent direction from the original destination, the overwhelmingly apparent aura was of a somber nature. As if in a planned out dolly move on a film set, or a well blocked actor’s choreography we flowed into the Human Resources department and sat within laid out chairs in an office where I was the only one who seemed not to know what was coming. I admit there was a slight inclination of what was to take place, but my previous “meeting” on Friday left me with a month notice and no guarantee of a layoff as a true possibility. Now, only three days after my trial at a two week notice could it possibly happen? All I can say is yes, it was possible (maybe with a little assistance of the power of the internet) to speed up the process of a layoff. I was informed to return to work and not speak of what had just occurred, until lunch time when I was to leave the building for the final time.

My walk back to my department was a bittersweet jambalaya of emotions, as the reality sunk in that I was not prepared emotionally for the end. I was happy to eventually exit with a severance check in hand and un-employment possibilities, but the reality of a $200 a week un-employment check and no job to fall into had struck me…not to mention the most straining necessity of saying goodbyes to the many amazing people I had met within my time at Panavision. Fear, happiness, relief, sadness, and shock encompassed every step I had taken through the linoleum covered floors and insane asylum white walls. I eventually reached my station where I was to remain silent about what had happened and the inevitable final walk out the doors, which would represent the beginning of my new journey.

Scrubbing case after case and going through various products I gazed upon my co-workers longing to tell them, and concurrently admiring their personalities and the relationships I had made with them. Through all my troubles within the company, what kept me going in day-after-day was the people who surrounded me. For a building as stale as a hospital, the joking and compassionate nature of every co-worker allowed a spark of joy to remain kindled within my spirit. I long to keep the relationships alive, as I have accepted all of them as family within these trying times.

After hours of keeping my fate secretly within the confines of my ever anxious mind, it was time to divulge the reality upon those who I would be shortly saying my goodbyes. I had become comfortable with the understanding that I will find something better and more fulfilling, as I let my heart guide me to my next career move. What I was absolutely still not ready for, and may never have been ready for was having to face the shocked faces of my co-workers as I told them mere minutes before I was to be gone forever. I admit that I don’t cry much, and especially not in public; but as I began to utter the words I emotionally collapsed every time I saw the shock within their expressions. Eyes dampened, I went one by one trying to hold my composure and explain what had occurred. I wanted to make it clear that this was by choice, and not just another layoff which could be forced upon others. I hope no one else has to face a true lay off, as I cannot imagine being completely shocked by this event. I was lucky to know that this was to possibly be in my future, and that I was ready to move on…unlike the many who faced elimination without warning weeks ago.

After making it through my goodbyes, I allowed the title of co-workers to be removed from those who surrounded me. All my co-workers had truly been friends throughout my entire time in employment, but now as the sterile title of co-worker is removed they are to properly be labeled so.

I exited the building much later than I had anticipated, after waiting hours for Human Resources to be ready with my paperwork. Instead of exiting at lunch my true departure occurred at 6pm, but no matter the time the end had come…or shall I say my beginning (maybe cliche, but still true). I stepped into the parking lot, feeling the brisk night air caress my body as the still cleansed sky from rains previous passing filled my lungs; and with a long breath, I released the mass of disappointment and fear which had previously been fortified somewhere beneath my ribs. I then screamed a howl of joy, and as corny as it sounds it felt amazingly relieving and seemed to be an un-avoidable action. Once I stepped into my car and turned the key bringing life to the engine, I exited the parking lot allowing a new chapter to begin. I am excited to see what shall be written in the story of my life, as I know not what will come. I am confident that all will be for the better, and am happy with myself as I am beginning to find true solace in writing. Within these posts to come, I expect my life to be re-energized in some form; as I shall continue to trust my acts of intuition to lead me properly to my true destiny.

-B

PS. I also truly want to thank all who have approached me this week, and have found an interest in my rants. I started this merely as a place for me to practice my writing, and release that which had been lingering within my conscience. I admit that I too have hoped that some may find it entertaining, and possibly useful in some form. Through the discussions I have had this week, you have given me confidence to follow my intuition and write that which I feel needs to be expressed and not worry what is to be thought of it. I will continue to write, and hopefully get better as I do so.

I also forgot to mention, that I take donations. Ok, maybe I mentioned last time as well…but hey, I’m now un-employed and you can’t condemn a man for trying. (Seriously though, sidebar main page.)