An Intuitive Existence

 

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, the most important path to joy seems to be finding the ability to live in the present. Worrying about what is to happen in the future, what may happen, and what already has happened only acts to keep us out of touch with our current situation and the desires present within us. The only time that matters is now. All the planning for future joy, will be to no avail; if at the moment you can’t allow yourself the time to sit in the present and search within for the joy which currently awaits your acceptance .

For so long I have wished upon stars, and waited for my day to come. From the day my Grandma taught me, “I wish I may, I wish I might; upon the first star I see tonight,” I have used it without fruition. I have sat waiting for my train to come in, thinking that the future is where all my dreams will be offered to me. Always, I was looking to the future; as I constantly followed the belief that eventual financial and romantic success will lead me to joy. This year, I have begun to learn that the joy I so often wished upon stars for, is available daily and is offered to me consistently. As I offer time to myself, through meditation and through personal outings, I leave the worries of past mis-haps and future goals behind. The more quiet I can make my mind, the clearer its’ present desires are offered and fulfilled.

What I have noticed within my own learnings, is that most of the thoughts I had running through my mind dealt with situations which were possibly going to arise, or already had. I allowed myself to create unnecessary anxiety, as everything I was worrying of was in the realm of the uncontrollable. The future is to be dealt with only in the presently motivated necessity, where organizational tasks can be accomplished but not dwelt upon.

It is easy to allow the existence of future tasks to become a procrastinated exhibition of your “responsibilities” and worth. Not dealing with something that can be immediately dealt with, as to allow yourself the ability to declare the almighty phrase of, “I am just so swamped, I can’t..”. This phrase becomes an excuse to avoid opportunities you may fear or changes in your routine, and also allows you to feel like there is meaning to your existence as you become a dependent figure in the completion of a variable amount of tasks. We present our amassed levels of responsibilities to others as proof of our worth, and seek their acceptance and approval of our daily doings as being a worthwhile attribute to the overall well-being of the society. We tell ourselves that if I were not here, the tasks would never be completed; and hope others to see the same.

We are not here to complete tasks. We are here to take advantage of all the moments we have, and fulfill all of our innermost desires. Although I write with conviction and authority on this subject matter, the fact is that I am not where I want to be. The concept is so simple that it becomes baffling to accept. The main goal is just to let go to the now, and act upon pure intuition; not being dependent on acceptance or self-judgment. So many barriers have been built based upon societal judgment and an endless supply of self-imposed rules and restrictions.

Since early childhood, we are raised to seek approval and acceptance through a system of grades, treats, and eventually through promotions and raises. I am working to rid myself of my mind’s controlling nature of real-time deliberation, as it tries to protect me from the possible humiliation of failed social interactions. I want to stop worrying about what people may think about what I do, and just do it.

As a tool to direct me into a intuitive reality, I have begun an improv acting class. My goal is not to become the next John Belushi, as my comedy and acting skills are not to be celebrated. Through improv, I hope to take steps towards removing the moments of deliberation, in which I afford my mind the time to question its desires and the affects of my possible actions. On stage, any moment of deliberation kills the pace of the scene and the necessary conviction to sell the idea to the audience. Every action must not only be decided within a split second, but must be stated confidently with an infecting energy. So far, I am not very good at it and often mess up. Through just two classes, I have already felt myself begin to gain a comfort in putting myself out there with the opportunity of failure constantly present.

From every mistake, I am faced with the reality that it is just one moment which will pass by; and as it does, I recognize that I have survived. Every step towards actualizing my full present day potential is a step forward, and I am beginning to welcome failure as a necessary stage in my evolution. I hope for this lesson to lead me through potential social situations and job opportunities, as I allow myself to be put in situations where failure is possible. I shall not let the fear of failure stop me from acting upon the desires, which lead me towards opportunities of pleasure. Fear grows stronger with every second of thought that it is offered. Act quickly and intuitively, or it is likely you will not act at all.

As I have allotted time for myself, the greatest thing that I have recognized is my need to stop thinking. I have stopped to listen to my mind, only to have it tell me to stop listening to it and begin listening to my heart. The mind is like an attention crazed child, desperately seeking attention while never being fulfilled. First, the inner mental child may crave an ice cream which momentarily relieves when received, but very quickly will be replaced with an all new desire; such as a toy. Through rewarding the cravings you fulfill the mind’s desire to be recognized, but while always craving recognition a new desire will surface immediately. The desires’ of the heart long to lead you towards recognizing your full potential, and wish for you to gain understanding and experience as your true self. The heart doesn’t speak as often as the mind, and it is very necessary to work on clearing the mind to be able to hear what the heart has to say. To stop wishing upon the future, we must learn to live in our present and become the beings we are meant to be; beings who act intuitively upon our true desires and strive for the joy which emanates from the knowing of our true self.

-B