Next.

I haven’t written for awhile, and in response have allowed myself to continuously feel guilty about my fear of returning to the world of published emotions. Constantly, I have allowed myself to fall under the belief that I have had nothing worthwhile to speak of. As my struggle with my job ended, and the tranquility of unemployment checks became a reality; I settled in silence.

As work was no longer a morning obligation, my days began late and at times were extremely fulfilling through activities of repose. As I went through unemployed phases of creative exploration within the city and healthful trainings to ready myself for a race to which I am ill-suited; I could not see a desired end in sight for my days of independence. My unemployment was not much to live on, but was not that much different from my days of scraping and lifting to which I have learned to make do. While the checks could keep me going for months and months, I allowed work to become a thing of the past. Now though, I know it is time to return to the workplace. I’ll admit that the decision has been advanced through an upcoming freeze in my unemployment funds, but that just became the final exclamation of the need to return to work.

How weird it has been not being held by a regimented system, or ordained way of life. The nearest it has felt is to the days of summer, but even then I had my parents around to watch over me. As a kid, I always imagined my independence leading to a television that held free pay-per-view with the Spice channel readied without interference, and beers and women constantly abound. In reality, my freedom has proven to be much more subdued, as I allowed myself to: travel, make my own films, learn improv acting, hike, go to plays, watch a lot of movies, and catch up on some reading. I actually spent a constant amount of time, going to the library. Somehow with time, my Utopian image of liberty has replaced beer with books and the Spice channel most often with old 80s movies on DVD (a craving for childhood reminiscence struck).

Considering this was the first time in my life that I was completely on my own, I haven’t been quite sure how to feel about it. Often, I find myself longing for some sort of structure. It is not like I have been begging for something to fill up my days completely, or to have a boss looking over my shoulder. I think what I have craved most is the knowledge that I know what I want professionally, and am definitely working towards something.

After a couple of years working in the film industry, it has been increasingly difficult to see where I will be most happy. I began with the naive joy of falling into production and having the film geek joys of being there for everything that ends up on screen. After the first film that I worked on, watching it play out like a scrapbook on screen was an amazing feeling…and to have my name appear in the credits was what felt like the beginnings of achieving my childhood dreams. After a few films though, I began to notice that the many hours left me no social life outside of work. For me, this only meant some missed nights out drinking with friends and the hope for some weekend fling. What I began to notice though, is that for those who had been crewing for years it meant the complete separation from their families. I’ll never forget sitting down in a restaurant with a field producer at lunch, when his daughter who he hadn’t seen in months called. When their conversation ended, he looked towards the rest of the table and told us that his daughter had just called him the “Worst Dad Ever.” The producer uttered the words and tried to laugh it off, but it was clear that he was hurt by this interaction and his laughs were merely there to make us feel calmed by his reaction. In fits of argument and anger this is a possible out lash of a teenager towards a parent, but this was not guided towards his actions; but rather towards his inactions to which he had no control. Living a life based on freelance work and travel, he was forced to follow the work no matter where it took him and for however long it may last. I could never picture myself in that position.

For the past couple of months, I have allowed myself to procrastinate my job search in relation to my unclear notions of which career path I shall follow. I would love to say that this job search has been delayed because of my extreme joys at an independent lifestyle, but in reality I believe it has been mostly a fear at recognizing where I would have an opportunity to work and if that is truly what I would desire to do. My past couple years of work and schooling has led me most recognizably towards the production field, but at this point my heart only wants to work on production when it is creatively rewarding to me through independent projects. As far as a daily source of income, I wish for a position which provides a normal schedule and an ability to gain knowledge of another aspect of filmmaking; which has a creative outlet that I may follow into a career path as I continue to work on my own side projects during my off hours. For most employers, they are bound to view my resume as someone who is only suited for the production side. Through all my desires to have a creative career, I have only readied my resume and self to the position of a manual laborer.

My goal now is to show employers that I am more than a manual laborer, and no longer shall my skill set solely be based upon my ability to lift objects heavier than 50lbs and to follow orders well. For me to get over the label of manual laborer, I must understand that I am capable and worth much more than that. I shall impart on others a strong sense of worth, through a full understanding of my creative potential and intellectual essence. Long have the days been, that I have been but a lemming in the workplace. Time has guided me back into the fray of the employed, and what I shall remember most is that the labels on my resume shall not define me. Although I have followed a certain path of professional development within the production side of filmmaking, I am hopeful that I will prove myself beyond those past positions and that it is possible for me to understand and project my true values.

-B